When Being Needed Becomes Hard to Release

We say we want other people to grow. We invest in them, encourage them, and tell them we believe they can lead. Then they begin making decisions without us, and something inside us gets uncomfortable.

We wanted them to become capable. Did we also expect them to keep needing us in the same way?

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the feeling that our contribution matters. It is a good thing to be useful. The difficulty comes when being useful becomes the place we go to find assurance that we matter at all. Then someone else’s growing independence can feel surprisingly personal.

Imagine a leader who has carried a responsibility for years. Someone newer begins handling it well. People start taking questions directly to that person. The work continues without the original leader’s constant involvement. It is what the leader said they wanted. Yet instead of relief, there is a sense of being left out.

That is an imagined situation, but the tension is familiar in many settings. It can happen in a business, a church, a volunteer team, or a family. A healthy change in responsibility can stir up feelings we did not expect.

The feeling itself is not a verdict against us. It is something worth bringing honestly before God. What becomes harmful is the way we may try to settle it. We insert ourselves into decisions that no longer require us. We offer corrections that are more about establishing our relevance than improving the work. We give responsibility away, then make sure everyone remembers where it came from.

The person we are developing receives a confusing message. Grow, but do not move too far. Take initiative, but make sure I remain essential.

In my leadership notes, I return to the responsibility to develop other leaders and eventually replace ourselves. That sounds generous when it is an idea. It becomes more demanding when another person’s growth changes our place in the room.

John the Baptist gives me something to consider here. In John 3:26–30, his followers point out that people are going to Jesus. John responds with joy in the role he has been given. His circumstances and calling are unique, but his response asks something of me: Can I recognize a good thing happening when it draws attention away from me?

I can celebrate someone’s growth in public and still struggle with it privately. That is where faith becomes personal. Do I trust that God’s care for me remains when my usefulness changes? Can I receive a new responsibility without making the old one prove my worth?

Releasing responsibility also requires judgment. Someone may need more preparation. A handoff may need clearer boundaries. We should not abandon people in the name of empowering them. But preparation and control can look similar from a distance. We have to be honest about which one is driving us.

Another seemingly strange concept to consider is this…when they don’t need me anymore, I actually need to spend a bit of time in grief over that loss. I have been the “go to” until now. That is a loss. What is my value now? The grief is likely short, but it must be considered. It allows me to release my “little bird” to fly.

There is a particular joy available when we can watch another person lead well without needing their success to carry our signature. Their contribution may look different from ours. They may bring an ability we do not have. If we can make room for that, the people we serve receive more than we could have provided alone.

And our own life opens up too. We have space to learn, to serve differently, and to give attention where it is now needed. A changing role can hold grief and possibility at the same time. We do not have to deny either one.

Who around you is becoming ready for more responsibility? And when you picture them carrying it, what do you notice in yourself?

Their growth may be inviting some growth in you as well.

I write about the person doing the leading because these ordinary tensions shape our work and relationships. For more about Strong Leader Development, visit leaderdevelopment.co. Set up a FREE call with me: Book a free call